Freedom

Once I opened the door, I knew there would be no turning back. Whether into the light or dark would be conjecture, speculation, a matter for future discussions on the perspective of choices. Closing the door was something else. How many doors had I closed, never to open them again? Shutting in the light, not letting it see the natural light of day, I’d leave it in the dark forever. Friends lost through neglect of past situations remained in the grey areas of my memory.
“I’m tired of waiting,” I murmured at the threshold. “It’s gone on too long. It’s time.” My voice drifted outward across the expanse of perfectly manicured lawn. No one was in hearing distance just the growing things that inhabit any lawn some visible, some invisible, and burrowers microscopic to our regular cursory glances like thoughts of little importance going about their business undetected.
Later others would probably remark, “She rarely spoke about it.” Determined to find the reason why, they might brainstorm baffled by aberrant behavior of someone they thought they knew so well. In reality they only had seen the surface not at all aware of what lurked below or not wanting to recognize what could be within them as well. “What caused her to do it? She had it all.” I knew the comments and questions would continue for awhile until as in all things, some other preoccupation came along to occupy their time and minds. Memories would cloud the meaning of my departure. “Business as usual” - all the phrases of non commitment, society uses to buffer themselves against understanding, true understanding. The kind of truth that includes the breath and depth of one’s being, leaving nothing unturned in its path until knowledge fills the void of an empty meaningless life. Peace settles over one then. A new level of spiritual attainment is achieved leaving others in its wake.
“You’d think I’d learn” I descended the stairs feeling the polished brass handrail warmed by the sun. “Why do I trust and believe that crap about inherent good. What bull. Inherent shit is more like it.”
“It’s in your best interest.” he’d said. Again replaying the tone of his voice in my mind, I focused on the memory of his face and watched the way the words slipped soothingly out of his sensuous mouth while his eyes betrayed his actions. Walking toward the car, thoughts of the many phrases, trite and meaningless, he’d plied me with. Thinking he’d won, that I had acquiesced to his wishes, he left me alone for a time. But I had choices. There was always a choice, dark or light, shades of grey.
Never again will I grace this estate with my presence. “How dare he think I wouldn’t know about it?” The indiscretions, the lies, the little manipulative tricks he thought would cover his trail. Behind my back, he would encourage others to think as he did. That I was the one who caused his problems. How transparent his actions were. Who could I trust? Who could I believe? Sorting it all out on my own I knew it was best to leave. Starting my life again, I’ll renew my spirit by a thorough cleansing, seek to focus and balance my life force, and release the painful memories endured with him.
Get thee to a nunnery; well it was close to that. The Retreat was far removed from this life style. Wait until his family sees what I have done. To be a proverbial fly on the wall, but I’ve had enough. I don’t need to see their reactions; it was after all so predictable. Money could buy peace of mind ... especially when you gave it all away.
Driving down the expansive tree lined drive, congratulations were in order. “I did learn. I learned to let go. Let them battle among themselves to no avail.” The attorneys’ assurances that the trust was airtight made it all perfect. The conservancy, museum and foundation would stand against all who would try to destroy it. I’m free, no more waiting. In opening that door, my burden was gone. My journey toward the light has begun.

EMM 5/12/98
rev 5/19/98